Why I Don't Like Sporks

I don’t like sporks — those odd cutlery combinations of not-quite-a-spoon and not-quite-a-fork.

These flimsy plastic utensils will neither hold liquid food or stab solid food. Evidently, sporks are an easy way to cut corners and save money. I’m convinced it was someone’s brainchild who certainly didn’t have the customer’s best interest in mind!

Believe it or not, the spork has been around since 1874. Originally, the spork was metal and larger, giving it better capabilities for both holding liquid and stabbing solids. But as the years went by, the entire spork idea just got worse and worse. Today, sporks are comprised of cheapgrade plastic, and some of them are so small they could be used to feed babies.

And I know I‘m not the only “spork-hater” out there. We martial artists fight like warriors and we expect to be able to eat like one, too. Let me just come out and say it: Sporks are insulting to anyone over the age of five!

I recently had a friend of mine get promoted to 2nd dan. Knowing that he hadn’t trained in years because of physical issues, I was confused as to when and where he started training.

I came to find out that a well-known, high ranked martial arts comrade of ours was selling an “earn-your-next-rank” DVD collection. At the end of a few weeks, the comrade I will refer to as “Master ACME” will send you your brand-new, shiny belt with his name on it for a small fee of several hundred dollars.

I understand that some things, like college courses, can be taken online, since there is no hands-on, physical element to this kind of study. But I would hate to think that the pilot flying the plane I was on was trained by “Master ACME’s Earn Your Pilot’s License” on DVD. And I would further hate to think the surgeon who’s going to operate on me was trained by “Master ACME’s Earn Your Surgical License” on DVD.

Pardon my ancient “dinosaur-like” attitude. But if you’ve earned any black belt by buying a set of DVDs, check yourself, you might be a spork. Is it still fair to say that rank should be earned by actually teaching and/or training on a consistent basis?

Recently, a grandmaster offered to give me the title of “Grandmaster” if I would state that I was part of his federation. I’ve been teaching and training for 28 years. In two years, I will be a legitimate “Grandmaster.” I can wait, for Pete’s sake!

Then again, that makes me wonder how legitimate of a “Grandmaster” he is, if he’s willing to promote with someone he doesn’t even know. Bottom line: I don’t accept honorary rank promotions. You know why? Cause I’m not a spork, that’s why!

And I don’t create sporks, either. My own son started training in my school at the age of four. I made him wait until he was 12 years old to test for black belt. Not because I don’t love my own son with all my heart, but because I do. And someday, when he’s in a situation where he may have to use his tang soo do training, he’ll be grateful that he is the real thing, just like his teacher is.

Today, I actually carry real forks and spoons in my car, in the event I order something at a restaurant and they serve it with a spork. Why be insulted? I’ll just continue to use the real thing and be the real thing!